Third Trimester and Purging fears

Being pregnant has been… not as bad as I thought it would.

It has surprised me.

What my body and mind are doing is incredible.

Sure the “baby brain” is real. The mental fog sometimes, it’s something many people make fun of.

Spoiler alert: it is not that bad and it has its advantages.

When you are pregnant people also talk about fear.

The fear of friends, family, strangers and medical professionals is forced fed into you.

And don’t even let me get started on your own fears as a pregnant person of course.

What is life without fear, and when you are carrying so much life inside you, fear is no stranger.

But so is strength.

Strength, if you let her, will gently knock on your door. And if you let her in once she will be back for longer visits.

Oh but no one talks enough about strength.

Sure people applaud the moms with vaginal births.

They applaud the mothers that sacrifice their bodies and past lives for this new one.

They celebrate you getting rounder (but not too much round, and certainly not for long after giving birth, people have a problem with that).

People won’t talk enough about the strength that is planted week by week.

The seeds pregnancy sows in us, not only the fears, not only the anxiety, not only the rage….

The seeds pregnancy sows in us, maybe most of them won’t germinate, at least not immediately but the ones that do when the conditions are right have mighty roots.

Before and during my pregnancy I’ve been experiencing fear.

I talk about how I grew up in households that gifted fear as a “precious” family heirloom.

Now, pregnant I found myself tasting the notes of those forced fed meals of fear so many people has gifted me without consent.

But here I am on my third trimester noticing how I am actually regurgitating unwanted fear.

And I say unwanted because there are some fears I want to hold onto.

Because I am allowed to choose what I want to fear but most importantly what I do not want to fear.

During my first and beginning of second trimester it was mentally hard.

Feeling the hands of so many people doubting the same strength they now applaud.

Now I ask…

So I am strong enough to grow a baby, a new life but not strong enough to follow my own instinct?

So I am strong enough to create golden milk to feed a new life before is born but not strong enough to choose not to listen to your superstitions/fears/unlikely scenarios?

So I am strong enough to endure the grief that comes with birthing a new me but not strong enough to be the parent I want to be?

The truth is, I have been isolating myself for a big part of this pregnancy.

I’m not ashamed of my new body, I am healthy, I feel physically and mentally strong.

I have also been purging fears.

Protecting myself from those intrusive hands trying to force feed me again.

I am trying to enjoy my pregnancy in my own terms, and the best part is that I have.

“Purging in isolation” is something I choose to do happily btw.

It has been my way to take control back after feeling so powerless at the beginning of this journey.

Yesterday I was with a group of pregnant people. We talked about fear.

Many fears were shared.

What if can’t control everything?

What if I can’t feel the instincts kicking in?

What if I can’t cope with the little sleep?

And I sat quietly.

Yesterday night I hadn’t realised yet, that I’ve been purging fear for the last few months.

This is a discovery I was able to put words on today as I sat to search in between my thoughts.

But there I was, yesterday, sat still. Letting the space grow for these people to share and for me to listen.

And I was listening.

I was listening with my ears, with my eyes and my heart.

Because these fears have too crossed my mind.

Before we shared about fear, we did a mini free journaling session.

The instructions were something like “write down fears about pregnancy/giving birth”

And what I wrote surprised me. Left me thinking and perhaps that’s what let me to vomit these words here.

In the big scheme of life I only have one fear.

Everything else that could happen…

They are all things we can overcome.

Even though they are all scare sounding things.

But there’s really only one thing to be afraid of.

And when this fear comes around to show its tail, as I think of it, I can see myself facing it for a moment.

With a knot in my throat I face it with strong legs

Proud belly bump

And tears in my eyes with certainty telling it…. everything will be ok.

Just like that voice is telling me.

Like I mentioned before in a post.

So today I remember that I choose not only to purge fears but also to embrace hope.

And I hope you too can purge any fear you want out, and embrace hope instead.

Gracias por leerme, un abrazo.

- Carla